Phil O'Hern started his performing career as a boy preacher (really). Then he became a reclusive poet. Then he became a stage actor. He has performed more than fifty stage roles including Petruchio in The Taming of the Shrew, and Sir in The Dresser. Since moving to Austin, Phil is concentrating on stand-up comedy and film acting.

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by Phil O'Hern

Even filmmakers think that theatre people are gay. I knew that people in general thought that theatre people were gay. And I only started working with filmmakers recently, so I did not know that filmmakers held the opinion of the general public regarding theatrical types. But several of the filmmakers with whom I work at UT commented on the gayness of the Theatre Department.

I am a theatrical type and I am straight. However, it does not bother me if someone thinks that I am gay. Why should it? I have met some gay men in the theatre and they seemed to be "good people." I mean that in the Southern sense of the word, as well as otherwise.

Once when I was playing the role of King Henry in THE LION IN WINTER, I was conversing with some of the fellow actors. We were commenting on how one of our gay theatrical friends looked young for his age. I said, "Of course he looks young. It's clean living." This comment provoked an unintended laugh, even from our young-looking gay friend. But he did not smoke or drink or have any vices of which I knew.

But, I am not gay. And I will tell you why. I chew tobacco. Not one gay man on the planet Earth chews tobacco. This is an astonishing fact that merits a federally funded study to be headed up by me and for which I will deserve an inordinate amount of compensation. Nevertheless, I chew tobacco, which might also explain why I wear dentures. But I think that chewing tobacco is better than smoking.

When people smoke, they expose the people around them to secondhand smoke. But there is no such thing as secondhand chewing tobacco; unless you French kiss someone while chewing tobacco. And what are the odds of that happening?

If a gay man desires to remain in the closet, he should simply carry a can of chewing tobacco around in his back pocket

And, if you are wondering what the point of this story is, there is none. I write it simply to help keep Austin weird. Lord knows I am doing my part.