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Lady Teazle

The School for Scandal
by Lady Teazle

March 2000

Lady Teazle got this scoop from "Tyler." Do you know who Tyler is? All names have been changed to protect the innocent, but the tales are true . . .


So here I am out in LA! I can't believe it! It was really hard to leave Austin. But I wanted to get more work, so I put my stuff in storage, and headed out here. And everything was going just great. One of my buddies, Jimmy, is the groundskeeper for "Ilka Winter". You remember Ilka? She was like this mega bombshell in the 50's and 60's. Now she looks really bad. Lotta sun damage and alcohol...So...Jimmy lives in his own house on the mansion grounds and Ilka's pool house was about to come available and he said I could move in. Cheap, cheap! Plus my friend, Jason got me this job as a set dresser working on this like really bad B grade horror movie. The first AD said he might give me a part as a detective--a one liner so I can get my SAG card. Alright!

Since Ilka was away in Germany I've been staying in the big house. Well get this. It's haunted! TV sets and lights turn on in the middle of the night. I actually saw a man drift down the hallway one night. Everybody that lives and works here has seen the ghost, and the cellar door keeps opening. I can walk through certain rooms and feel that somebody is there. It feels really cold and creepy. I don't like it. I want out of this house. But I have to wait a few more days for the pool house guy to get the rest of his stuff out. But here's the corker. Last night I come home late from working on the set and I jump in the shower and Ilka who has come back from Europe comes into the bathroom (there's no lock on the door) and tries to get in the shower with me. She grabbed my manhood! I kept trying to push her away. The shower door fell and broke and Ilka looked at me and said, (are you ready for this), "You either fuck me or get outta my house!" For a split second I thought about it. Free rent is free rent, right? Then I told her to get her wrinkled drunk ass out of there, so then she told me to get the fuck out of her house. I go over to Jimmy's and told him what happened. He says she did it to him, too and he just told her he couldn't get it up for women. Now why didn't I think of that?

This morning Ilka came into my room while I was packing, and has the nerve to ask me to fix a sink for her. I said, "Fuck no. I was calling the tabloids."

I talked to my friends at the film society and it sounds like the city approved the sound stage proposal but now they're hashing out the specifics. City government, slow and steady. But hey, they got 20 acres! Maybe when that all gets up and going there will be more work in Austin and I can move back. Everyone here wants to be a song writer or an actor and sits in traffic talking on cell phones. It's definitely "Hollyweird!"

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