The Total Man Package: Trent Lott Unreconstructed Nazi Android!
by Dan Murphy
Yes, it' true Trent Lott is an Unreconstructed Nazi Android and Lott's overly unnatural hair proves it. I saw the movie STAR TREK NEMESIS, (wasn't that great), a few months ago. That helped spark my conclusions.
I got home and flipped on the cable news networks to watch the continuing coverage of Trent Lott's Moronic Racist Comment at Strom Thurman's birthday party. Then, it hits me during Trent Lott's Apology Press Conference Speech. I begin to realize that Lott's hair is Utterly Unnatural. Lott's hair is just like the android Commander Data from Star Trek. It doesn't move and it's not receding or graying and Lott is in his sixties.
My own obsession with my receding hairline has made me an expert. I've watched the late night hair transplant infomercials with enthusiasm and I've study the Men's Club ads. I severely doubt Lott's hair is a Hair System or a Transplant. It's just too good. This type of advanced follicle technology has roots in some dark, diabolical and secret program. Hence, I move to the Unreconstructed Nazi portion of my Title for Lott.
During World War II, Strom Thurman flew a glider in the invasion of Normandy (No Joke). Hitler warned the allies to beware of his Wonder Weapons! Here's my theory. Strom Thurman lands his glider, stumbles upon Hitler's Wonder Weapon plant and finds a warehouse of Nazi Androids. Strom finds a working model, (Trent Lott), smuggles him back to the U.S. and reactivates Lott's Positronic Moronic (Commander Data's brain operates on a Positronic Power Source) Brain to carry on his own Segregationist/Racist views for the next hundred years. (Hell, Lott could live for ever. He's an Android for God's sake) thus creating: Trent Lott Unreconstructed Nazi Android! Dunt Dunt Daaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!
Yeah, it's really more of a hypothesis than a theory. Alright, it's below a hypothesis because it's not even an educated guess and I've got no proof to back up my claims, but here's some more ancillary smoking gun evidence.
( Pat Buchanan was the only major Political Pundit stating that Lott shouldn't have apologized at all. Well, everyone knows Pat Buchanan is a Nazi! Although, I'm almost certain Buchanan's not an Android. He just doesn't have the hairline for it. Furthermore, Lott's lack of true emotion during his apology shows a strong Android tendency.
( Side note: Just to show I'm unbiased. I thought Bush did the right thing condemning Lott. Even if it was just for political reasons, it was a smart move.
I emailed several people this above Trent Lott Android report and received a few questions that I will now answer. You know, the ironic thing is that Lott's Segregationist comments may be right in a roundabout way. I wouldn't even have to explain myself to you guys and we wouldn't have most of the problems we currently have today if our predecessors had just supported Strom Thurman back in 1948 - because we'd all be in Shadow Government Slave Camps run by Unreconstructed Nazi Androids!
Not only would the Dire Conditions of the Slave Camp be driving you insane, but my incessant, "I told you Lott was an Android" comments would as well.
My own sense of Rightness would be the only thing keeping me alive in the Slave Camp and thus adding to your torment. Oh, we all love to be Right! I digress. On to answer more questions and give further proof that Lott is an Android.
A few of the emails suggested that I dreamed this whole thing up because I'm just jealous of Lott's hair. I'm not. As I mentioned, it's Unnatural. Besides, even if I was jealous, this wouldn't have been enough to facilitate Lott's Nazi-like comments. He did that all on his own. Therefore, my jealously would have nothing to do with it.
More Evidence: Lott's Hair isn't growing. Whenever the media shows a clip of him, his hair looks the same length whether the photo is relatively new or from 20 years ago.
Yeah, so now your saying that means Lott's hair is a rug since it isn't growing. WRONG! I can spot a rug a mile or more a way. Lott's hair looks like it's fused to his head, like a hair system, yet it looks realer and it doesn't seem to move at all, which further strengthens my belief that it's not a Rug.
I'm tellin' ya, THAT'S ANDROID HAIR! I know hair and hair replacement systems and I know science fiction! I won't be fooled by an Unreconstructed Nazi Android!
Still not convinced? Here's the nail in the coffin. Get a mental picture of the World War II Nazi helmet in your mind. Now, imagine that same helmet on Lott's head being used for a Nazi Helmet Bowl Haircut. Remove the helmet and what do you have? Trent Lott Hair. If this isn't a classic (brilliant on my part) example of Deductive Reasoning, I don't know what is.
Another common question was, "TMP, if Lott's an Android how come he's aging even if his hair isn't?" Without getting into too much detail (you wouldn't understand the science anyhow), it's a simple case of timed temporal simulated DNA to give the appearance of gradual aging. This technology has been around since the 20's. I shouldn't have to explain this. Get with the program damn it!
More Questions. Is there a Double Standard? Yes, there is a Double Standard. Other racist comments by Democrats haven't been as devastating to their careers. I'm also willing to concede that former KKK member Democratic Senator Byrd is more than likely an Unreconstructed Nazi Android as well. I'm not totally convinced because his hair does appear to be graying. His programming might just be more advanced.
I'll just have to spend more mindless, endless, useless, hours obsessing over this to determine whether Byrd is an Android or not. Just be glad that my Slacker Lifestyle provides me this opportunity to save your ass from these Androids and The Shadow Government while you Ham-and-Eggers (Bobby "The Brain" Heenan-ism. Possibly the Greatest Wrestling Manager/Announcer of all time) are doing the 9 to 5 thing.
Finally, some of you have expressed concern that when these Nazi Androids find out that I'm OUTING THEM what's going to stop them from just ripping all my APPENDAGES OFF with their Super Human Strength? Well, my friends I know how to make an Android crash like Windows Millennium. You just use your emotional human reasoning skills.
Captain Kirk did this on Star Trek numerous times. Kirk just reasoned these Probes, Androids and Computer Systems into self destruction by going off on one of his diatribes and within minutes the Probe, Computer system, etc. was saying, "Does Not Compute, Does Not Compute," followed by smoke and a spontaneous explosion. One cool episode was where everything on this planet was run by a massive computer and these brains in plastic containers where betting Quaaludes on Kirk's crew fighting with other aliens?
Well, bet your Quaaludes on THE TMP!
I'm not giving up on this quest to destroy all unreconstructed nazi androids until they are all deactivated or reprogrammed to serve my selfish needs.
Don't worry, your American Hero "The Total Man Package" is here to protect you.
THE TOTAL MAN PACKAGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
PS: Yes, I'm aware a majority of Newscasters have the Android hair as well and may be true Androids. Sam Donaldson is a Romulan. Dennis Miller said he's a Vulcan, but he's more conniving like a Romulan. More than likely Al Gore is a Wind-up Toy Soldier. Hillary probably is a Fembot, etc., etc., etc.